Tentative Beginnings
by flintyminty25
Summary: Sakumo learns to cherish his young son and what it means to be a family.


Shadows and silver moonlight softened the bare white walls of the Hatake household.

Sakumo Hatake sat on the floor in the hallway. His arms and legs were crossed stubbornly as he leaned against the cold wall. Black eyes narrowed accusingly at the white paint, as if the pitiful wails coming from the open doorway beside him were the house's fault.

A particularly distressing cry assaulted his sensitive ears.

Sakumo breathed in a slow, shaky breath through his nose because his lips were pressed into a thin line. _How much longer will this go on? _The agitated rustle of sheets and the weak kicking of feet against the wooden crib accentuated the child's gasping sobs. He didn't know the first thing about babies. He was a shinobi. If he possessed any knowledge about kids, it was a textbook understanding of the various ways to kill them. And despite his less than adoring feelings for the bawling infant, he could never do something like that.

_He looks just like her..._

His gaze slid over to the window, black shadows of tree limbs danced jerkily in the wind.

_She's the one who wanted a baby, not me._

If he focused on the silhouette of every individual leaf as it fluttered in the crisp air it was easier. Easier to ignore the resounding, dull ache in his chest and the child's incessant cries ringing in his ears.

Five minutes passed. Fifteen minutes. Half an hour later and the shrill screams had receded into choked, gasping wails. Choked, gasping wails subsided into hushed whines. When the only sounds coming from the open doorway were broken-hearted whimpers, Sakumo relaxed.

_Finally._

He wasn't exactly sure when this had started. He closed his eyes, trying not to feel anything. He wasn't really sure exactly what it was he was doing either.

All he knew was that every time that he looked at it his chest hurt. Sure, he would play the doting daddy during the daytime, he wasn't so heartless as to actually neglect the child. But whenever the world grew still and quiet, slipping into the yawning somberness of nighttime, he couldn't help but feel painfully alone.

Sakumo rubbed his arms, feeling a slight chill.

How come he was the one left with the responsibility of taking care of it? The one left with this burden? The only reason he agreed to having a baby was because she had wanted it so badly, and because she promised she would be there to help him take care of it. This was her dream, one she had spent nine months preparing for, and here he was living it for her. Alone.

Maybe it was his way of taking just a few hours of the day for himself, his own dreams having been thoughtlessly eclipsed. Or, Sakumo mused tiredly, it could be that he just couldn't bear to see her eyes in that little face. The constant reminder of who he would never have again was too much to bear in the emptiness of the night.

Just as he was starting to doze off, a heartrending wail trembled through the still night.

Something inside Sakumo snapped.

"That's it!" He jerked to his feet. Blood pounded in his ears and he savagely tore into the room. Sakumo glared down hatefully at the squirming infant. A towering giant, he was impervious to the gentle brush of the open window's pale curtains against his tense form.

"What do you want?!"

He shook the crib furiously and the baby broke into fresh tears, "What more could you possibly want?!" He demanded, "You want your mommy, huh? Is that it?" Sakumo slammed his fist down on the crib railing, livid, "You want your mommy-well that's just too bad cause _you killed her_!"

"You killed her..."

Sakumo panted, horror filling him as he realized exactly why he had been avoiding the child at night. He blinked his eyes and was suddenly aware that tears were dripping down his face. He had known the real reason all along. Why he couldn't smile or even talk to it, why he couldn't stand to touch it any longer than necessary...why he had been pretending it didn't exist during the night.

It was suddenly all painfully clear to Sakumo.

He let out a choked sob and held on to the railing for support because he felt like his legs were going to give out. Squeezing his eyes shut, he buried his face his arm. What right did it have to take her from him? If it weren't for the little person before him, he would still have her. How was that fair? If it were a choice between the two, he would have chosen her without a second thought. And now--

A scream, desperate and full of hurt, pierced through his thoughts.

Sakumo froze. All of the betrayal, confusion, and helplessness felt in the world seemed to be expressed in the child's desperate cry.

Afraid to think or feel anything, Sakumo slowly lifted his head and peered hesitantly into the crib.

Hiccuping sobs shook the baby's little body as the infant kicked his legs desperately. Tiny hands clasped and unclasped anxiously at the empty air as the small child reached up with both arms towards him. Soft grey eyes were squinted in pain, the thick lashes glistening with tears. Sakumo blinked, unsure what he was feeling.

The small infant's eyes captured his own. Sakumo gasped at the neediness and confused pain he saw in those cloudy grey orbs.

It was the same feeling that made his own heart ache.

All of his anger seemed to melt away and he suddenly felt exhausted. He let out a shaky breath, staring down into the tear-stained face of his distraught son. Sakumo gripped the crib railing tightly, he could feel a distinct tug in his chest towards the outstretched arms. He was afraid and unsure of the emotion. Not ready.

Almost as if it had a will of it's own, Sakumo's arm slowly reached down into the crib. He watched, terrified and confused and captivated, as his thumb gently brushed silvery tears off of a soft cheek. The infant's violent sobs quieted and it leant into his touch, it's little chest rising up and down with huffed exhalations. Sakumo's heart thudded meaningfully.

"Kakashi..."

A crisp wind suddenly blew through the open window and his son wailed at the sudden cold. Blue, pajama-clad feet kicked feebly as Kakashi squirmed and reached up pleadingly to his father. Before he could so much as think, Sakumo's arms were wrapped around the baby, holding him tightly. _Kakashi..._

_He's my son,_ Sakumo closed his eyes, his nose buried in the feathery wisps of silvery-white hair, and breathed in the somehow familiar scent, _my baby._

Turning his back to the open window, Sakumo cradled Kakashi close to his heart. A warmth he hadn't felt since she died wafted through him as his infant snuggled into the crook of his neck. Sakumo slowly headed back into the hallway, tenderly rubbing his baby's back in an attempt to stop the incessant shivering. He shook his head guiltily as the freezing touch of tiny hands on his neck caused him to wince. _How could I have been so heartless?_

Sakumo quietly kicked the door to his bedroom open and walked over to his large bed. He sat down slowly to avoid jostling the whimpering infant before laying Kakashi gently down on the bed. Almost immediately his child started crying again, unable to cope with the loss of physical affection that he had only just now received.

"Shhh," Sakumo whispered as he arranged a pillow on each side of Kakashi, "It's okay, I'm here. I'm here..."

His baby followed his movements with wide grey eyes, sparkling with unshed tears, and a wobbling lower lip. Sakumo finished constructing the cushioned enclosure and slipped into the bed beside Kakashi.

Sakumo pulled up a thin blanket over them both, realizing in some distant part of his mind that this was the first time he had slept in their bed since she died. But the thought was overshadowed by his thoughts about the little person beside him.

A few tears began to dribble down Kakashi's chubby cheeks. Instinctually knowing what his son needed, Sakumo gently petted down Kakashi's silvery wisps of thin hair that were standing up. Instantly the tearful whimpers were soothed into slow, content sighs. He continued to lightly stroke his baby until Kakashi's lids closed sleepily. Sakumo watched as the infant snored softly, long lashes casting delicate shadows on soft cheeks.

Even as his child slipped into dreams, Sakumo kept trailing his fingers tenderly through the thin baby hair. Watching the slow rise and fall of Kakashi's little chest, Sakumo was lulled to sleep by the rhythm. As his heavy lids were sliding closed, a peaceful warmth wafted through him, and he felt like she was with them.

_I promise that I will love him forever...I promise._

* * *

_Hi everyone! This is my first fanfiction, and I'm excited to hear what you guys think. Please review! I'm open to constructive criticism as well as compliments, so please don't be conservative with your comments :) _

_About the oneshot. It's just an idea that's been in my head for a while, I've always wondered about Kakashi's past so it made sense to start at the beginning. That, and I wanted to write about a touching, affectionate moment between Sakumo and his son. _

_I hope that you enjoyed reading!_

_Please, please review! _

_~FlintyMinty25_


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